The Fear of the C-Word.....

I was standing just outside the medical center. A strange feeling crept into my being, suddenly. I tried to identify it. Oh! The fear factor? Probably. But how could I be afraid of “nothing” – probably nothing – hopefully nothing. 

Before it could engulf me totally I tried to shrug it off. A deep breath often does wonders – that's what the oft-read guidelines said. I took a deep breath, pushed my shoulders back and stood tall; added some sparkles to my eyes and climbed the stairs with a beaming face. The doorman politely held the glass door ajar for me and i gave him the brightest morning smile with a polite, “thanks” accompanying it. 

Guess he was not used to such a response from the “mostly patients” types who normally walked in through that door. He was about to reiterate back into his “statue” mode when my supposedly contagious smile made him give me a quick glance – and this time he was smiling too! 

I stood in the queue at the registration counter, waiting for my turn. To my left there were around 40 people seated on neatly arranged sofas, in probably equally anxious state of mind. I would have loved to guess what they were thinking when the receptionist’s “yes ma'm?” interrupted my own thoughts. I paused for a brief second and whispered, “mammogram.” 

“A what ma’m?”

Aah did I whisper it a little too soft for those alert ears? By now I had gotten rid of the “oh-not-so me” slouch and was standing tall.

"A mammogram please.” I heard myself say with that resplendent smile back on my face. 

“Oh, how old are you?" Before I could answer that, there was a rejoinder from her. “Who is the doctor who has recommended that?"

I smiled, “No one.”

The queue existed behind me and she was aware of it. So the hurried pressing of the keys leading to the routine gurgling of the printer, ushered me into the waiting area, with the slip in my hand. I looked around. The 40-something crowd was as it would be, at any diagnostic center. A couple with a 4 year old with the worried expression of “anxious” alert parents of today, was seated next to me. A young couple, excitement brimming out of their faces was probably on the verge of starting their family. I love reading – be it books or people’s mind, but only those who are strangers to me. I was beginning to make myself comfortable doing what I love when I heard someone call out my name.

“Anjali!”  

I looked at the girl in white apron. She looked doubtfully at me, 

“A mammogram??” 

“Oh yes.” 

I followed her to the room at the end of the corridor. That feeling popped up again – only this time it was a bit familiar – i had felt it when i had arrived at the center. No, but why should I be afraid, huh! 

I was being asked to fill out a form. The initial questions were the usual Name, Age, Details thing. 

The next question asks any family history of breast cancer? I think of my mom and my sister and can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Nah, now is not the time. 

“The power of positive thinking” advises you against such thoughts. I quickly write NO and move to the next question. 

As I hand over the paper back to the technician, she directs me to the machine. While the first slide is being taken I wonder if the Police must be using this as “3rd degree,” to get the truth out of criminals! I cringe in pain. I am shocked by the brutality of the whole process. And when she releases the plates I ask her, 

“Aah is it over?” 

“No, three sets more of that!” said with so much ease, like I am being told about the joy rides I can avail of, in the package I have purchased at Essel World! 

She adjusts the plates at a new angle. My collar bone is about to crackle between the metal plates as she further brings them closer. I tell myself, it’s OK. I think of the small marble temple at home and of the deity within it. I resign. 

I am told it’s over. I smile weakly at her and say, “That was painful!!” Almost a whisper. Oh that’s not me! 

I look at her cheerfully and say a crisp “thank you”. 

She is confused. She attempts to smile back at me. I encourage her with a wider smile this time. And she is able to smile. She tells me to go back to the lounge and wait, while the films come up. 

I walk tall, find a place amidst the anxious people once again. This time I decide to read the paper. They are still talking about the new year! The celebrations and the jubilations! 

I fold the paper neatly and put it down. 

I look out of the window…..there is a dark cloud in the distant sky…..and i stare at it…....wondering if it has a silver lining!